Sunday, March 15, 2009

Fear of flying

Jay has been doing a lot of flying for the last year or so. He's working in San Francisco, and flying down to LA to see his girlfriend Jessica on the weekends. This would be kind of tough for anyone, but throw in Jay's fear of flying and general OCD craziness and it's almost intolerable. There have been a ton of funny stories, but I'll try to wrap up the top three here:

Part 1: Well, he is flying the plane

This was a conversation between Jay and his brother John

"Thanks for picking me up Jay."
"No problem, how was your flight man?"
"Not too bad, there was a little turbulence but it was on time at least."
"Dude, did I tell you about the turbulence on my last flight from LA? It was so bad I started getting freaked out that we were about to crash. The whole plane was shaking so much, but nobody else even seemed to notice. I hate to say it, but I got so freaked out I started crying."
"Dude, you were crying?"
"Yeah, I started crying. I couldn't help it. And there was this older lady sitting next to me and when she noticed I was crying she just gave me this look of disgust and asked what was wrong."
"What did you tell her?"
"I just said 'It doesn't seem like the pilot knows what he's doing'"

Part 2 Say Anything

"Hey man, I need your advice."
"What's up?"
"So, I was supposed to fly down to see Jessica this morning, but with that plane crashing in Detroit I just kind of got freaked out about flying. So I tried to call her a bunch of times and left messages early this morning, but she never called me back. If I had just heard her voice I would have been fine but I couldn't get a hold of her. When she finally called she said she was on the way to the airport to pick me up. When I told her I was still in SF she got really pissed and said she didn't want me to talk to her anymore. She says she fucking hates me and never wants to see me again. I think it's over man."
"Dude, first of all the plane that crashed in Detroit was due to weather. It's not like it's snowing in LA or anything. You're perfectly safe to fly. But in any case she didn't have to be a bitch about it. She could have been a little more understanding. Although ... you do know it's Valentine's day this weekend right? That might explain part of why she's so pissed"
"Yeah I know man. But she won't answer my calls now. What should I do?"
"Well, if she's not talking to you there's not much you can do. You could pull a Lloyd Dobler and just fly down there, but that would be retarded. Just leave her a voice mail and send her an email apologizing and wait for her to calm down. That's about all you can do."
"Yeah .... right man."
"OK, now you're thinking about flying down there. Don't do it man; I shouldn't have said anything."
"I won't. I'll probably just email her."

Eight hours later ...

"Hey man."
"You're in LA aren't you?"
"How did you know?"

Part 3 Candy man, Candy man, Candy man

"Hey man."
"Where are you?"
"I'm in LAX. I'm here for three hours now."
"What happened?"
"Well get this, I'm on the plane and almost everyone has boarded. Everyone is sitting down, then this guy walks on the plan and he says to the stewardess 'The candy man's here'"
"He had a bag with some candy and the stewardess says 'Oh you have candy for us?' and she actually takes the candy. Can you believe that? But then get this the pilot comes out and he takes a piece of candy too. As soon as I saw that I'm like 'I'm out of here'. So I got my stuff and I just walked off the plane."
"You are fucking psychotic. You really think this was some elaborate, candy based attempt to take down the plane?"
"I could have been man. Who knows what that guy did to those candies before he got on the plane. As I was leaving the stewardess was like 'You're not flying with us today?' and I told her 'No, I need to make a phone call' and she let me go."
"You're lucky you only had carry on luggage. If you'd checked something they would have had to take it off the plane. But like I said man you're fucking crazy."
"No, it's no big deal. I just need to wait for the next flight. The only thing though is that it's leaving out of Gate 13 ..."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Highway Patrol

"Hey man, I hit a shopping cart in the parking lot of a grocery store. I hit it twice actually."
"Why did you hit it twice?"
"Well, I didn't know I hit it the first time. Then I got out and it was laying between three cars and it might have scratched one of them. Do you think I should have left a note?"
"Well, yes the ethical thing to do would have been to leave a note, but the human thing to do is just leave as long as the scratch was small and you weren't sure it was your fault."
"Yeah, but there were people around when I hit the shopping cart. You don't think they would have called the cops do you?"
"Why would they call the cops? It doesn't sound like that big a deal."
"I don't know man, do you think I should call Highway Patrol to report it?"
"Hold on a second Jay, have you called Highway Patrol before?"
"Yes, my dad told me that you can never get charged with a hit and run if you call it into the highway patrol."
"How many time have you called them?"
"Not that many really. Just like two or three times."
"Dude, what exactly happened that you thought you needed to call Highway patrol?"
"Well, I was on the freeway a few times, and I had to break really hard and I thought maybe I might have bumped the guy in front of me. They always drove off, but I called it in anyway so there's no way I could be charged with a hit and run."
"Dude, how much of your life is just spent in fear of going to Jail?"
"Too much. So do you think I have anything to worry about?"
"No. It's ridiculous. It's psychotic. We've had this conversation before, but do you remember when you asked me to tell you when you were acting crazy? Well you're acting crazy. Listen man you really need to get to the doctor. You're 30 years old now, and this isn't going away on it's own. All the problems you're having with your girlfriend, all the times people get frustrated dealing with you, these things could all be fixed if you start dealing with your problem. Get to the fucking doctor. Start dealing with it."
"So ..."
"Wait, this is the part of the conversation where you say something that lets me know you haven't been paying attention to a fucking thing I've said and you've just been thinking about going to jail the whole time. Proceed."
"No man, I was just going to ask: do you think if I haven't heard from the cops in a week or two that I'm safe?"