Highway Patrol

"Hey man, I hit a shopping cart in the parking lot of a grocery store. I hit it twice actually."
"Why did you hit it twice?"
"Well, I didn't know I hit it the first time. Then I got out and it was laying between three cars and it might have scratched one of them. Do you think I should have left a note?"
"Well, yes the ethical thing to do would have been to leave a note, but the human thing to do is just leave as long as the scratch was small and you weren't sure it was your fault."
"Yeah, but there were people around when I hit the shopping cart. You don't think they would have called the cops do you?"
"Why would they call the cops? It doesn't sound like that big a deal."
"I don't know man, do you think I should call Highway Patrol to report it?"
"Hold on a second Jay, have you called Highway Patrol before?"
"Yes, my dad told me that you can never get charged with a hit and run if you call it into the highway patrol."
"How many time have you called them?"
"Not that many really. Just like two or three times."
"Dude, what exactly happened that you thought you needed to call Highway patrol?"
"Well, I was on the freeway a few times, and I had to break really hard and I thought maybe I might have bumped the guy in front of me. They always drove off, but I called it in anyway so there's no way I could be charged with a hit and run."
"Dude, how much of your life is just spent in fear of going to Jail?"
"Too much. So do you think I have anything to worry about?"
"No. It's ridiculous. It's psychotic. We've had this conversation before, but do you remember when you asked me to tell you when you were acting crazy? Well you're acting crazy. Listen man you really need to get to the doctor. You're 30 years old now, and this isn't going away on it's own. All the problems you're having with your girlfriend, all the times people get frustrated dealing with you, these things could all be fixed if you start dealing with your problem. Get to the fucking doctor. Start dealing with it."
"So ..."
"Wait, this is the part of the conversation where you say something that lets me know you haven't been paying attention to a fucking thing I've said and you've just been thinking about going to jail the whole time. Proceed."
"No man, I was just going to ask: do you think if I haven't heard from the cops in a week or two that I'm safe?"

The Big House

Since Jay has been dating Jessica for ~5 months I haven't heard of any AIDS scares. Instead he seems to have developed a new concern: going to jail.

"I downloaded Children of Men off bittorrent ..." - Jay
"And ..."
"You don't think I could get in trouble for that do you?"
"Not likely. The odds are really low so don't worry about it."
"Even if they did catch me what do you think is the worst that could happen?"
"Uhhh... I think the hand full of people from the RIAA lawsuits are getting fines around $5,000. But getting busted is so incredibly unlikely you shouldn't worry about it."
"So there's no way I could go to jail for this right?"
"Jail?! No, that's not really a possibility."
"O.K. Good ..... So, you're saying it's impossible for me to go to jail over this?"
"Dude, no you're not going to jail."
"Cool. .... You're really sure it's impossible then?"
"..."