Fear of flying

Jay has been doing a lot of flying for the last year or so. He's working in San Francisco, and flying down to LA to see his girlfriend Jessica on the weekends. This would be kind of tough for anyone, but throw in Jay's fear of flying and general OCD craziness and it's almost intolerable. There have been a ton of funny stories, but I'll try to wrap up the top three here:

Part 1: Well, he is flying the plane

This was a conversation between Jay and his brother John

"Thanks for picking me up Jay."
"No problem, how was your flight man?"
"Not too bad, there was a little turbulence but it was on time at least."
"Dude, did I tell you about the turbulence on my last flight from LA? It was so bad I started getting freaked out that we were about to crash. The whole plane was shaking so much, but nobody else even seemed to notice. I hate to say it, but I got so freaked out I started crying."
"Dude, you were crying?"
"Yeah, I started crying. I couldn't help it. And there was this older lady sitting next to me and when she noticed I was crying she just gave me this look of disgust and asked what was wrong."
"What did you tell her?"
"I just said 'It doesn't seem like the pilot knows what he's doing'"

Part 2 Say Anything

"Hey man, I need your advice."
"What's up?"
"So, I was supposed to fly down to see Jessica this morning, but with that plane crashing in Detroit I just kind of got freaked out about flying. So I tried to call her a bunch of times and left messages early this morning, but she never called me back. If I had just heard her voice I would have been fine but I couldn't get a hold of her. When she finally called she said she was on the way to the airport to pick me up. When I told her I was still in SF she got really pissed and said she didn't want me to talk to her anymore. She says she fucking hates me and never wants to see me again. I think it's over man."
"Dude, first of all the plane that crashed in Detroit was due to weather. It's not like it's snowing in LA or anything. You're perfectly safe to fly. But in any case she didn't have to be a bitch about it. She could have been a little more understanding. Although ... you do know it's Valentine's day this weekend right? That might explain part of why she's so pissed"
"Yeah I know man. But she won't answer my calls now. What should I do?"
"Well, if she's not talking to you there's not much you can do. You could pull a Lloyd Dobler and just fly down there, but that would be retarded. Just leave her a voice mail and send her an email apologizing and wait for her to calm down. That's about all you can do."
"Yeah .... right man."
"OK, now you're thinking about flying down there. Don't do it man; I shouldn't have said anything."
"I won't. I'll probably just email her."

Eight hours later ...

"Hey man."
"You're in LA aren't you?"
"How did you know?"

Part 3 Candy man, Candy man, Candy man

"Hey man."
"Where are you?"
"I'm in LAX. I'm here for three hours now."
"What happened?"
"Well get this, I'm on the plane and almost everyone has boarded. Everyone is sitting down, then this guy walks on the plan and he says to the stewardess 'The candy man's here'"
"What?"
"He had a bag with some candy and the stewardess says 'Oh you have candy for us?' and she actually takes the candy. Can you believe that? But then get this the pilot comes out and he takes a piece of candy too. As soon as I saw that I'm like 'I'm out of here'. So I got my stuff and I just walked off the plane."
"You are fucking psychotic. You really think this was some elaborate, candy based attempt to take down the plane?"
"I could have been man. Who knows what that guy did to those candies before he got on the plane. As I was leaving the stewardess was like 'You're not flying with us today?' and I told her 'No, I need to make a phone call' and she let me go."
"You're lucky you only had carry on luggage. If you'd checked something they would have had to take it off the plane. But like I said man you're fucking crazy."
"No, it's no big deal. I just need to wait for the next flight. The only thing though is that it's leaving out of Gate 13 ..."

Sandwiches

I was talking to Jay recently about his OCD:

"Dude, do you remember when you thought your boss was using your laptop to spy on you?"
"Yeah, man I remember that. That was hilarious."
"What do you think about that now?"
"It's crazy. It makes absolutely no sense, but at the time it seemed reasonable. I don't know man, my OCD seems to come and go. Earlier this year was really bad, but now I'm not having any problems."
"Well, that kind of makes sense. You moved and started a new job, so I imagine the stress had something to do with it."
"Yeah man, but it was bad. Did I ever tell you about the trip I took with Jessica to LA?"
"No, what's this?"
"Well, I started getting really paranoid about the silverware at the restaurants we would go to. I was worried about catching AIDS or Hep C or something. I was thinking that there was something on the knives and forks and since my gums were bleeding I could catch it."
"Dude ..."
"I know it doesn't make any sense, but my strategy for avoiding the silverware was just to order sandwiches. Everywhere we went I would just get a sandwich. We were going to nice restaurants but it didn't matter, I would scour the menu for a sandwich."
"And did that work for you?"
"Well Jessica noticed and she got soooo pissed. She said 'I know why you're getting sandwiches Jay. It's your OCD isn't it? I can't deal with this', and I'm like 'No, come on; I've just been in the mood for sandwiches. It's no big deal.' and she's like 'Now you're lying to me too. I know you're lying about the sandwiches.'"
"What happened?"
"It basically ruined our trip. She was pissed the whole time. I even stopped getting the sandwiches. I just made sure we went to really high end places that I knew were clean, but it didn't help. At the end of the trip I was like 'Come on, that was a fun trip' and she just said 'Jay, if I'd known you were going to be this way I never would have taken time off work for this. I would have rather been at work than come on this trip with you.'"
"Harsh man. But I love that line: Jay, I know about the sandwiches. Don't lie to me about the goddamn sandwiches!!"

Can't Stop Crying

Jay has really bad luck with women. Well, really he probably has the same luck as anyone else it's just that he will never leave them no matter how crazy things get. I've already talked about Tara, and his current girlfriend Jessica is no exception.

Here's a normal conversation about her:

"Man, I think my relationship with Jessica is over."
"What happened?"
"She's been freaking out about my OCD. She keeps saying 'Jay, you're always going to be like this. What happens if we have kids? How could we have kids if you keep acting this way'"
"Then she said 'Jay, I think I love you less now.'"
"WTF? She loves you less? What did you say?"
"Yeah, I was like, what do you mean? You don't love me anymore? And she said 'No, I just love you less'. I'm like, what do you mean less? How much less? And she says 'Well, maybe 10% less'"
"Dude, she gave you an exact percentage!? Are you fucking serious?"
"Yeah man, she said she loves me 10% less."
"Jay, this chick is psycho man. Who says something like that?"
"Things went downhill from there. She started crying and kicked me out of the car."
"Dude, where did this happen?"
"We were driving around downtown. I got out of the car and she drove off, and I had no idea where I was. I was walking for two hours trying to find out where I was. I kept calling her and she just told me 'good, I'm glad you're lost. I hate you.'"
"Dude, you have to get rid of that chick."

Sure enough though two weeks later they're still together:
"Jay, I thought you guys were breaking up?"
"Nah, man she's a great girl. You don't understand; she's a great girl."
"Dude, she told you she loves you 10% less"
"No man, she's a great girl."

A few months later I'm talking to Jay's brother John:
"Dude, Jay is having problems with Jessica again."
"You're kidding me. Again?"
"Yeah, it's hilarious. He just texted her 'I love you' and she texted him back 'Can't stop crying'"