Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Disease Control

I've talked about Jay's fear of infection, and the lengths he'd go to in order to disinfect himself. In his quest to convince himself that he didn't have "the hiv" or any other STDs he would frequently go to the doctor for a full checkup even if he just touched something unclean or got coughed on in a bar. I was used to hearing about these doctor visits, so when Jay called I asked about them:

"Hey Jay, you been to the doctor lately?"
"No, I've been calling a nurse hotline whenever I get freaked out"
"Hey, that's great. That should be a good option for you. No more crazy trips to the doctor"

Now, some good health care plans will give you 24/7 access to a registered nurse, so I'm assuming that this is a feature of his health plan. Of course this is Jay, so nothing is that simple. About six months later I finally get to the bottom of this:

"Jay, are you still calling that nurse hotline?"
"No, it's junk now. The CDC got rid of the nurses."
"The CDC!? Jay, are you trying to tell me you've been calling the Center for Disease Control?"
"Yeah man. They used to have real nurses who would tell me for sure that I didn't have the hiv."
"Dude, isn't the CDC for ebola outbreaks? What the hell have you been asking them about?"
"Well, today I called them because Claire left a toothbrush at my apartment and I touched it to throw it away, and then I touched my eye before I washed my hands. You don't think I could get AIDS from that do you?"
"Well, first of all Claire didn't have AIDS so I find that kind of unlikely. Secondly, didn't you break up with her like three months ago?"
"Yeah, it was five months ago but still. You know hiv is found in saliva."
"Dude, you're crazy. What did the CDC say?"
"Well, like I said, before it would have been a nurse who would have told me 'you're fine'. Now it's just some dude who searches their database. He said 'I'll search hiv saliva', then he said 'well based on what I'm reading hiv doesn't survive outside the body for more than 20 minutes so it's highly unlikely you're infected'."
"Well, there you go, you're fine."
"Yeah, but he didn't say it was impossible; just that it was highly unlikely. I'm worried man."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Does it kill AIDS?

This is a quick follow up to the incident Jay had with his office mate. Jay had a really nice female coworker Jen, who was concerned with Jay's Lysol spraying. One day she knocked on Jay's (now single occupancy) office door after some friendly small talk offered him an alternative:

"Jay, I got you a bottle of anti-bacterial gel. You just put some on your hands and it's like washing without water. You don't need to spray anything"
"Thanks Jen, but .... does it kill AIDS?"

Saturday, February 24, 2007

You're killing us Jay

I mentioned earlier that Jay had huge fear of infection and specifically "the hiv". He eventually got a little better, but about three years ago Jay's OCD was so bad he was spraying Lysol on his hands. Yes, he would carry around a can of Lysol and spray it directly on his hands when he started getting freaked out. He was fixated on Lysol because he'd heard it killed the AIDS virus.

Now, Lysol may be a great disinfectant but it's meant to be used sparingly in a well ventilated area, and not sprayed directly on someone's skin. Read the warning label, or read the Wikipedia page before you start using it.

Now Jay wasn't just spraying Lysol at home, he was spraying at work as well. In large quantities. In a small poorly ventilated office. That he shared with a coworker. This coworker was very understanding, but was justifiably concerned about breathing in Lysol every time Jay would spray down his hands or keyboard. They talked about it and Jay agreed to try to spray less often. Jay tried to resist as long as he could but soon enough there was a soft SHHH as Jay tried to quietly spritz his hands. The coworker's defeated comment:

"Sigh.... you're killing us Jay. You're killing us."

Shortly thereafter Jay's office mate got himself transferred to a cubicle and Jay ended up with an office all to himself.

It's Rico!

Jay's dad, Mr H., is also an interesting character. He's mormon, a lawyer, and a little crazy. He's a really nice guy, but strange. One of our favorite stories involving Mr H is when our friend Wes called Jay's house and was mistaken for another friend of ours:

"Hello, is Jay there" - Wes
"Hey, Rico it's good to hear from you" - Mr H
"Mr H, this is Wes"
"Well, he's not here right now Rico I'll tell him you called"
"Mr. H, this isn't Rico it's Wes"
"Allright, I'll see you later Rico"
"Wait Mr. H This is ..."

Monday, February 19, 2007

Ocular Herpes

For the last few years Jay has had strong fears about getting sick / infected. Usually he's afraid of HIV / AIDS (or as he calls it "the hiv"), but he's also afraid of most other STD's. It's not that Jay is really at risk for anything. He practices safe sex (or so I'm told), doesn't do drugs, and has only had a handful of partners. It's just that Jay is convinced he can catch serious STD's through casual contact. I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten a call along these lines of:

"Dude, it's over. I was at a bar and this guy next to me kept coughing, and he kind of bumped into me a couple of times. I've got the hiv man, I'm done."

That said, imagine how freaked out Jay was when he started dating a girl named Clair who had herpes. Despite sleeping with her only a few times, and always with protection he soon became certain that he had genital herpes even though he had no symptoms. He also soon became convinced that he had spread the herpes to his eyes and that he now had ocular herpes.

Certain that he was going to go blind Jay heads to the doctor:
"Son, you seem fine. Have you used saliva to clean your contacts?"
"No." - Jay
"Have you been washing your hands regularly?"
"Then why do you think you could have caught ocular herpes?"
"Well, what if I accidently touched my penis then touched my eyes?"
"Son, if you're touching your penis then touching your eyes you have bigger problems than ocular herpes."

The Jay Project

This blog is a collection of funny stories featuring my friend Jay and his family. Jay is a funny and talented guy with a touch of OCD who routinely gets himself in extremely unusual situations. The purpose of this blog is twofold:
  • Document these stories for posterity. Well maybe not for posterity, but I at least want to be able to reread some of these stores in ten or twenty years.
  • Share these stories with anyone who cares to read them. The stories should be funny and easy to read.
This blog will not reveal any identities. Many of these stories are very personal and this blog is intended to be purely anonymous. I'll try to add a story or so a week. Given the number of stories we already joke about and the rate of new incidents this should last till at least 2010.