Fear of flying

Jay has been doing a lot of flying for the last year or so. He's working in San Francisco, and flying down to LA to see his girlfriend Jessica on the weekends. This would be kind of tough for anyone, but throw in Jay's fear of flying and general OCD craziness and it's almost intolerable. There have been a ton of funny stories, but I'll try to wrap up the top three here:

Part 1: Well, he is flying the plane

This was a conversation between Jay and his brother John

"Thanks for picking me up Jay."
"No problem, how was your flight man?"
"Not too bad, there was a little turbulence but it was on time at least."
"Dude, did I tell you about the turbulence on my last flight from LA? It was so bad I started getting freaked out that we were about to crash. The whole plane was shaking so much, but nobody else even seemed to notice. I hate to say it, but I got so freaked out I started crying."
"Dude, you were crying?"
"Yeah, I started crying. I couldn't help it. And there was this older lady sitting next to me and when she noticed I was crying she just gave me this look of disgust and asked what was wrong."
"What did you tell her?"
"I just said 'It doesn't seem like the pilot knows what he's doing'"

Part 2 Say Anything

"Hey man, I need your advice."
"What's up?"
"So, I was supposed to fly down to see Jessica this morning, but with that plane crashing in Detroit I just kind of got freaked out about flying. So I tried to call her a bunch of times and left messages early this morning, but she never called me back. If I had just heard her voice I would have been fine but I couldn't get a hold of her. When she finally called she said she was on the way to the airport to pick me up. When I told her I was still in SF she got really pissed and said she didn't want me to talk to her anymore. She says she fucking hates me and never wants to see me again. I think it's over man."
"Dude, first of all the plane that crashed in Detroit was due to weather. It's not like it's snowing in LA or anything. You're perfectly safe to fly. But in any case she didn't have to be a bitch about it. She could have been a little more understanding. Although ... you do know it's Valentine's day this weekend right? That might explain part of why she's so pissed"
"Yeah I know man. But she won't answer my calls now. What should I do?"
"Well, if she's not talking to you there's not much you can do. You could pull a Lloyd Dobler and just fly down there, but that would be retarded. Just leave her a voice mail and send her an email apologizing and wait for her to calm down. That's about all you can do."
"Yeah .... right man."
"OK, now you're thinking about flying down there. Don't do it man; I shouldn't have said anything."
"I won't. I'll probably just email her."

Eight hours later ...

"Hey man."
"You're in LA aren't you?"
"How did you know?"

Part 3 Candy man, Candy man, Candy man

"Hey man."
"Where are you?"
"I'm in LAX. I'm here for three hours now."
"What happened?"
"Well get this, I'm on the plane and almost everyone has boarded. Everyone is sitting down, then this guy walks on the plan and he says to the stewardess 'The candy man's here'"
"What?"
"He had a bag with some candy and the stewardess says 'Oh you have candy for us?' and she actually takes the candy. Can you believe that? But then get this the pilot comes out and he takes a piece of candy too. As soon as I saw that I'm like 'I'm out of here'. So I got my stuff and I just walked off the plane."
"You are fucking psychotic. You really think this was some elaborate, candy based attempt to take down the plane?"
"I could have been man. Who knows what that guy did to those candies before he got on the plane. As I was leaving the stewardess was like 'You're not flying with us today?' and I told her 'No, I need to make a phone call' and she let me go."
"You're lucky you only had carry on luggage. If you'd checked something they would have had to take it off the plane. But like I said man you're fucking crazy."
"No, it's no big deal. I just need to wait for the next flight. The only thing though is that it's leaving out of Gate 13 ..."

Highway Patrol

"Hey man, I hit a shopping cart in the parking lot of a grocery store. I hit it twice actually."
"Why did you hit it twice?"
"Well, I didn't know I hit it the first time. Then I got out and it was laying between three cars and it might have scratched one of them. Do you think I should have left a note?"
"Well, yes the ethical thing to do would have been to leave a note, but the human thing to do is just leave as long as the scratch was small and you weren't sure it was your fault."
"Yeah, but there were people around when I hit the shopping cart. You don't think they would have called the cops do you?"
"Why would they call the cops? It doesn't sound like that big a deal."
"I don't know man, do you think I should call Highway Patrol to report it?"
"Hold on a second Jay, have you called Highway Patrol before?"
"Yes, my dad told me that you can never get charged with a hit and run if you call it into the highway patrol."
"How many time have you called them?"
"Not that many really. Just like two or three times."
"Dude, what exactly happened that you thought you needed to call Highway patrol?"
"Well, I was on the freeway a few times, and I had to break really hard and I thought maybe I might have bumped the guy in front of me. They always drove off, but I called it in anyway so there's no way I could be charged with a hit and run."
"Dude, how much of your life is just spent in fear of going to Jail?"
"Too much. So do you think I have anything to worry about?"
"No. It's ridiculous. It's psychotic. We've had this conversation before, but do you remember when you asked me to tell you when you were acting crazy? Well you're acting crazy. Listen man you really need to get to the doctor. You're 30 years old now, and this isn't going away on it's own. All the problems you're having with your girlfriend, all the times people get frustrated dealing with you, these things could all be fixed if you start dealing with your problem. Get to the fucking doctor. Start dealing with it."
"So ..."
"Wait, this is the part of the conversation where you say something that lets me know you haven't been paying attention to a fucking thing I've said and you've just been thinking about going to jail the whole time. Proceed."
"No man, I was just going to ask: do you think if I haven't heard from the cops in a week or two that I'm safe?"

Sandwiches

I was talking to Jay recently about his OCD:

"Dude, do you remember when you thought your boss was using your laptop to spy on you?"
"Yeah, man I remember that. That was hilarious."
"What do you think about that now?"
"It's crazy. It makes absolutely no sense, but at the time it seemed reasonable. I don't know man, my OCD seems to come and go. Earlier this year was really bad, but now I'm not having any problems."
"Well, that kind of makes sense. You moved and started a new job, so I imagine the stress had something to do with it."
"Yeah man, but it was bad. Did I ever tell you about the trip I took with Jessica to LA?"
"No, what's this?"
"Well, I started getting really paranoid about the silverware at the restaurants we would go to. I was worried about catching AIDS or Hep C or something. I was thinking that there was something on the knives and forks and since my gums were bleeding I could catch it."
"Dude ..."
"I know it doesn't make any sense, but my strategy for avoiding the silverware was just to order sandwiches. Everywhere we went I would just get a sandwich. We were going to nice restaurants but it didn't matter, I would scour the menu for a sandwich."
"And did that work for you?"
"Well Jessica noticed and she got soooo pissed. She said 'I know why you're getting sandwiches Jay. It's your OCD isn't it? I can't deal with this', and I'm like 'No, come on; I've just been in the mood for sandwiches. It's no big deal.' and she's like 'Now you're lying to me too. I know you're lying about the sandwiches.'"
"What happened?"
"It basically ruined our trip. She was pissed the whole time. I even stopped getting the sandwiches. I just made sure we went to really high end places that I knew were clean, but it didn't help. At the end of the trip I was like 'Come on, that was a fun trip' and she just said 'Jay, if I'd known you were going to be this way I never would have taken time off work for this. I would have rather been at work than come on this trip with you.'"
"Harsh man. But I love that line: Jay, I know about the sandwiches. Don't lie to me about the goddamn sandwiches!!"

They're listening

Not long after Jay started a new job at a large tech company I got a call from him:

"Hey man, do you know how to uninstall the microphone device driver on a laptop?"
"Uhhh.... Is the microphone giving you problems? What kind of errors are you seeing?"
"No, I just want to disable it permanently."
"... Well, I'm sure you can mess with the driver in the Device Manager, but if you just want the mic off go into your sound settings. If it's not causing you problems why do you want it off anyway? You're better off not messing with it."
"Well ... I'm worried that my boss may have installed some spy software on here that would record my conversations. Like with the mic; some kind of spyware or something."
"Dude, do you remember when you asked me to tell you when you're acting crazy? You are acting crazy man."
"Nah man, it's possible. I just don't want to have to worry about it."
"Jay, first of all you work at a big company now. People could get fired for that kind of thing. Secondly, who exactly do you think is listening to hours of your random conversations on the off chance you might say something interesting? That doesn't make any god damn sense."
"I don't know, but you were right it's here in the device manager. Thanks for your help man."
"Uhhh.... You're welcome I guess."

Can't Stop Crying

Jay has really bad luck with women. Well, really he probably has the same luck as anyone else it's just that he will never leave them no matter how crazy things get. I've already talked about Tara, and his current girlfriend Jessica is no exception.

Here's a normal conversation about her:

"Man, I think my relationship with Jessica is over."
"What happened?"
"She's been freaking out about my OCD. She keeps saying 'Jay, you're always going to be like this. What happens if we have kids? How could we have kids if you keep acting this way'"
"Then she said 'Jay, I think I love you less now.'"
"WTF? She loves you less? What did you say?"
"Yeah, I was like, what do you mean? You don't love me anymore? And she said 'No, I just love you less'. I'm like, what do you mean less? How much less? And she says 'Well, maybe 10% less'"
"Dude, she gave you an exact percentage!? Are you fucking serious?"
"Yeah man, she said she loves me 10% less."
"Jay, this chick is psycho man. Who says something like that?"
"Things went downhill from there. She started crying and kicked me out of the car."
"Dude, where did this happen?"
"We were driving around downtown. I got out of the car and she drove off, and I had no idea where I was. I was walking for two hours trying to find out where I was. I kept calling her and she just told me 'good, I'm glad you're lost. I hate you.'"
"Dude, you have to get rid of that chick."

Sure enough though two weeks later they're still together:
"Jay, I thought you guys were breaking up?"
"Nah, man she's a great girl. You don't understand; she's a great girl."
"Dude, she told you she loves you 10% less"
"No man, she's a great girl."

A few months later I'm talking to Jay's brother John:
"Dude, Jay is having problems with Jessica again."
"You're kidding me. Again?"
"Yeah, it's hilarious. He just texted her 'I love you' and she texted him back 'Can't stop crying'"

The Dog

Before I start posting about Jay's current girlfriend Jessica I want to give you some more insight into his personality. To do that I need to tell you about my parent's old dog Bark. I'm a huge animal lover; I love dogs and have three cats. That said I still hate that dog. My parents got him from a shelter after I left for college. He was always hyper, loved to jump on people and was just generally disagreeable. However, if you were willing to show the slightest bit of dominance the dog would eventually calm down.

One day I'm home from college and Jay and his brother John came over to visit. The dog starts barking and jumping up on them, but I get him in order and we head inside. However, the dog doesn't want to leave Jay alone. Every couple of minutes he saddles up to Jay and starts trying to hump his leg.

"Jay, just push him off and yell 'NO!' when he does that. He'll stop if you just yell at him."
"OK"

However, Jay just will not yell at the dog. The dog keeps coming over, and I keep having to push him off Jay. This goes on for a while.

"Jay, seriously just yell at the dog. I'm getting tired of coming over here and pushing him off you. If you just show some aggression he won't come back"
"Yeah, man"

Sure enough he doesn't yell at the dog and continues to let the dog basically molest him.

"Dude, I'm serious just yell at the damn dog. He's not going away until you show some dominance."
"Ahhh... what the hell. It's easier to just give him what he wants"

At which point Jay just sticks out his leg and lets the dog furiously hump away. For two full minutes. At which point I've had enough and give the dog a time out in the garage.

Now you may think that Jay was just making a joke. Really though if you knew him well you'd know that he was serious. In his head he did the math of putting forth some small amount of effort to deal with the dog vs. letting the dog hump his leg. The humping just won that calculation. This is how incapable of action Jay sometimes is.

In his head it's:
"My girlfriend is crazy, but it would be a lot of work to date. I'll just stay with her"
"My job really sucks, but it would take effort to find something else. I'll just stay here"
"My gums have been bleeding, but I don't want to find a dentist. I'll just put up with it" (true story by the way)

Jay could so easily make positive changes in his life, but he always chooses to let those problems keep humping away.


Bonus story: while I was in college Jay and John were house sitting for my parents. Bored, they dug into my dad's monstrous collection of VHS porn. Sure enough, not long after popping in a tape the VCR broke down trapping the pornographic evidence. They decided to leave my parents a note which read:
"I'm sorry. This broke when I was watching a tape.
- Bark the Dog"

The Big House

Since Jay has been dating Jessica for ~5 months I haven't heard of any AIDS scares. Instead he seems to have developed a new concern: going to jail.

"I downloaded Children of Men off bittorrent ..." - Jay
"And ..."
"You don't think I could get in trouble for that do you?"
"Not likely. The odds are really low so don't worry about it."
"Even if they did catch me what do you think is the worst that could happen?"
"Uhhh... I think the hand full of people from the RIAA lawsuits are getting fines around $5,000. But getting busted is so incredibly unlikely you shouldn't worry about it."
"So there's no way I could go to jail for this right?"
"Jail?! No, that's not really a possibility."
"O.K. Good ..... So, you're saying it's impossible for me to go to jail over this?"
"Dude, no you're not going to jail."
"Cool. .... You're really sure it's impossible then?"
"..."

The List

It's been an interesting few weeks in Jay land. Unfortunately I need to wait for him to break up with his current girlfriend before I can tell you about any of the current drama. This may take a few days / weeks / months it's hard to tell, but man will it be worth the wait. In the mean time I give you the long promised List:

I've talked before about Jay's inability to get things done. About four years ago I wanted to play "Sam & Max" (a great game by the way). Now, Jay is friends with one of the "Sam & Max" developers and he promised to get me a copy. A full year later I still didn't have a copy. 52 weeks of "Sorry man, I forgot. I'll see him next week", and "Man I'm going to see that guy tomorrow I'll get it then don't worry". So a year later I give him a call:

"Don't worry about it Jay, I'll just get a copy off e-bay"
"No, listen I'm really going to get it. It's on the list. Really."
"List? What list? The list of shit you're not going to do?"

Not long after that incident Jay and Tara broke up. I was talking to him shortly thereafter about how crazy Tara was and I was privy to this gem:
"Jay, really I'm amazed that you guys lasted this long. She was controlling and obsessively task oriented. Your inability to get things done must have driven her crazy."
"Yeah, it really did. Did I tell you about the time she tried to bribe me with sex?"
"What!?"
"A few months ago we stopped having sex because she decided premarital sex was a sin. After a couple of weeks I'm dying for sex, and I literally resort to begging. Now get this, she agrees to have sex with me if I finish a list of chores."
"You've got to be kidding me!"
"No, she literally gave me a list of chores and told me 'Jay I'll straight up have sex with you if you get this done.'"
"Dude, what was on this list?"
"Simple stuff: I needed to get an oil change and pay some bills. Stuff like that. It was all stuff that I needed to do anyway."
"Did you do it?"
"No. I never did. I started some of them, but I never did them all."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. But seriously, it was a list of things a normal person could get done in a productive afternoon."

Not Getting Things Done

Jay is generally hardworking, and spends really long hours at work. However, outside the realm of work the guy just can not get things done. It's not that he's lazy, it's just that he will not spend time on anything that he doesn't enjoy. Unless it's directly involved with his work it's just not getting done. If my life depended on Jay taking a bullet for me I wouldn't worry. If my life depended on Jay running five small errands during the next month, I'm fucked.

Some of my favorite examples of Jay's ability to not get things done:

1) The phone. Jay was without a cell phone for a while then one day he proudly called me up and told me he'd gotten a new phone. I was impressed. I assumed this meant he'd actually gone to a store and purchased a phone. I was less impressed when a few days later I got his voice mail. The first part of the voice mail message was a standard pre-recorded greeting of "The person you have called is unavailable. Please leave a message for:" The next part was in the shaky voice of an old woman "Jaaay Haaalking". When I called him up the next day: "Jay, your grandmother got that phone for you, didn't she?" "Man, ... how did you know?".

2) The car. Around six years ago Jay was thinking about getting a new car. At the time he was thinking about a mini cooper. A few weeks later I was on the phone with him. Jay: "Man, I got my new car!" "Awesome, what did you end up getting, the mini-cooper?" "No, I ended up getting a Buick." "A Buick?!? Dude, did you let your grandparents pick out your car?" "Well ..."

3) The wallet. Now I'll admit I'm a little uptight about wallets. I like to keep my wallet fairly empty with as few cards as possible. So, a few years ago Jay is up visiting and he pulls out a bloated, overflowing Castanza Wallet. This thing barely qualified as a wallet; it was really more of a decaying leather wrapping around a giant pile of frequent shopper cards, business cards, and receipts.
"Dude, WTF is that thing?"
"What, it's my wallet."
"That thing is not a wallet. What the hell is in here?"
I start going through the wallet
"Why do you have all these receipts in here?"
"I don't want people to get my credit card number."
"Jay, your credit card number isn't even on these receipts"
I spend the next 20 min or so sorting out the wallet and getting everything organized. 90% of it was pure trash.
"Dude Jay, you see this business card you had in here"
"Yeah, I know that guy"
"Is there any reason you had two copies of his business card in different places in your wallet?"
"Well... I met him twice."

Next up is "The List". And just as a reminder to myself I need to tell you about "Direct Deposit" and "The Frenchman's Shower".

Paperus

Many of the stories Jay and I joke about intertwined. So, in order to tell you one of my favorite Jay stories, "The List", I need to tell a few background stories including "Paperus". About three years ago Jay was dating a girl named Tara. Now, let me just say up front that I really didn't like her. She was immature, controlling, and she had a compulsive need to be right. She could never loose an argument or admit that she was wrong and she would frequently interrupt and correct people in the middle of a conversation. She was also constantly on the go and couldn't tolerate down time, or just hanging out.

Jay and Tara flew in to visit and we took them to a local museum. We walk around for a few hours and then take a break in the museum cafeteria. Now, Jay, my wife, and I were exhausted and just happy to be sitting down and chatting. Tara ignores the conversation and pulls out an address book and a pen and paper and starts writing a letter to a pen pal. I have no idea why a 27 year old woman has a pen pal, but ignore that for a minute. Tara finishes her two page letter and then busts out an envelope and stamps. Yes, not content to just carry letter writing supplies she walks around with a post office in her purse in case her day has a spare five minutes.

Later that day we spent some time in a local mall that had a Papyrus store, it's a chain that sells paper products. Now, for those not familiar with the word Papyrus think of it as an old form of paper. The word is pronounced [puh-pahy-ruhs]. I was standing with Jay in a bookstore when Tara walked up with a bag:

"Hey, what do you have there Tara?" - Jay
"I just bought something from Paperus." Tara pronouncing it "Paper Us"
"Uhhh, Tara I think it's pronounced Papyrus"
Now imagine the most condescending tone possible:
"Sigh, no Jay; no. It's Paperus, because they sell paper. Paperus"
"... OK Tara"

Loving AdSense

I threw up some ads to play with AdSense, and wow those are some ads. Not sure what I was really expecting Google to show, but as it stands it reads like Jay's worst nightmare.

Disease Control

I've talked about Jay's fear of infection, and the lengths he'd go to in order to disinfect himself. In his quest to convince himself that he didn't have "the hiv" or any other STDs he would frequently go to the doctor for a full checkup even if he just touched something unclean or got coughed on in a bar. I was used to hearing about these doctor visits, so when Jay called I asked about them:

"Hey Jay, you been to the doctor lately?"
"No, I've been calling a nurse hotline whenever I get freaked out"
"Hey, that's great. That should be a good option for you. No more crazy trips to the doctor"

Now, some good health care plans will give you 24/7 access to a registered nurse, so I'm assuming that this is a feature of his health plan. Of course this is Jay, so nothing is that simple. About six months later I finally get to the bottom of this:

"Jay, are you still calling that nurse hotline?"
"No, it's junk now. The CDC got rid of the nurses."
"The CDC!? Jay, are you trying to tell me you've been calling the Center for Disease Control?"
"Yeah man. They used to have real nurses who would tell me for sure that I didn't have the hiv."
"Dude, isn't the CDC for ebola outbreaks? What the hell have you been asking them about?"
"Well, today I called them because Claire left a toothbrush at my apartment and I touched it to throw it away, and then I touched my eye before I washed my hands. You don't think I could get AIDS from that do you?"
"Well, first of all Claire didn't have AIDS so I find that kind of unlikely. Secondly, didn't you break up with her like three months ago?"
"Yeah, it was five months ago but still. You know hiv is found in saliva."
"Dude, you're crazy. What did the CDC say?"
"Well, like I said, before it would have been a nurse who would have told me 'you're fine'. Now it's just some dude who searches their database. He said 'I'll search hiv saliva', then he said 'well based on what I'm reading hiv doesn't survive outside the body for more than 20 minutes so it's highly unlikely you're infected'."
"Well, there you go, you're fine."
"Yeah, but he didn't say it was impossible; just that it was highly unlikely. I'm worried man."

Does it kill AIDS?

This is a quick follow up to the incident Jay had with his office mate. Jay had a really nice female coworker Jen, who was concerned with Jay's Lysol spraying. One day she knocked on Jay's (now single occupancy) office door after some friendly small talk offered him an alternative:

"Jay, I got you a bottle of anti-bacterial gel. You just put some on your hands and it's like washing without water. You don't need to spray anything"
"Thanks Jen, but .... does it kill AIDS?"

You're killing us Jay

I mentioned earlier that Jay had huge fear of infection and specifically "the hiv". He eventually got a little better, but about three years ago Jay's OCD was so bad he was spraying Lysol on his hands. Yes, he would carry around a can of Lysol and spray it directly on his hands when he started getting freaked out. He was fixated on Lysol because he'd heard it killed the AIDS virus.

Now, Lysol may be a great disinfectant but it's meant to be used sparingly in a well ventilated area, and not sprayed directly on someone's skin. Read the warning label, or read the Wikipedia page before you start using it.

Now Jay wasn't just spraying Lysol at home, he was spraying at work as well. In large quantities. In a small poorly ventilated office. That he shared with a coworker. This coworker was very understanding, but was justifiably concerned about breathing in Lysol every time Jay would spray down his hands or keyboard. They talked about it and Jay agreed to try to spray less often. Jay tried to resist as long as he could but soon enough there was a soft SHHH as Jay tried to quietly spritz his hands. The coworker's defeated comment:

"Sigh.... you're killing us Jay. You're killing us."

Shortly thereafter Jay's office mate got himself transferred to a cubicle and Jay ended up with an office all to himself.

It's Rico!

Jay's dad, Mr H., is also an interesting character. He's mormon, a lawyer, and a little crazy. He's a really nice guy, but strange. One of our favorite stories involving Mr H is when our friend Wes called Jay's house and was mistaken for another friend of ours:

"Hello, is Jay there" - Wes
"Hey, Rico it's good to hear from you" - Mr H
"Mr H, this is Wes"
"Well, he's not here right now Rico I'll tell him you called"
"Mr. H, this isn't Rico it's Wes"
"Allright, I'll see you later Rico"
"Wait Mr. H This is ..."
CLICK

Ocular Herpes

For the last few years Jay has had strong fears about getting sick / infected. Usually he's afraid of HIV / AIDS (or as he calls it "the hiv"), but he's also afraid of most other STD's. It's not that Jay is really at risk for anything. He practices safe sex (or so I'm told), doesn't do drugs, and has only had a handful of partners. It's just that Jay is convinced he can catch serious STD's through casual contact. I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten a call along these lines of:

"Dude, it's over. I was at a bar and this guy next to me kept coughing, and he kind of bumped into me a couple of times. I've got the hiv man, I'm done."

That said, imagine how freaked out Jay was when he started dating a girl named Clair who had herpes. Despite sleeping with her only a few times, and always with protection he soon became certain that he had genital herpes even though he had no symptoms. He also soon became convinced that he had spread the herpes to his eyes and that he now had ocular herpes.

Certain that he was going to go blind Jay heads to the doctor:
"Son, you seem fine. Have you used saliva to clean your contacts?"
"No." - Jay
"Have you been washing your hands regularly?"
"Yes."
"Then why do you think you could have caught ocular herpes?"
"Well, what if I accidently touched my penis then touched my eyes?"
"Son, if you're touching your penis then touching your eyes you have bigger problems than ocular herpes."

The Jay Project

This blog is a collection of funny stories featuring my friend Jay and his family. Jay is a funny and talented guy with a touch of OCD who routinely gets himself in extremely unusual situations. The purpose of this blog is twofold:

• Document these stories for posterity. Well maybe not for posterity, but I at least want to be able to reread some of these stores in ten or twenty years.
• Share these stories with anyone who cares to read them. The stories should be funny and easy to read.

This blog will not reveal any identities. Many of these stories are very personal and this blog is intended to be purely anonymous. I'll try to add a story or so a week. Given the number of stories we already joke about and the rate of new incidents this should last till at least 2010.